Who:  This one is easy.  I can honestly say that I like myself as a person.  I think that i’m pretty stinkin’ awesome.  I’m fun. I’m sassy.  I’m intelligent.  I do cool things and I have cool friends.  I’m genuinely caring and an incredibly loyal friend.  I don’t need another person to feel whole.  REPEAT.   Life knows what it’s doing, there is someone out there FOR me.  

What:  What lies ahead is indeed a mystery. Life’s funny like that.  I do have some awesome “plans” for the future though: a triathalon, an alternative spring break trip, and mountaineering Mt. Washington.  In a few months i’ll be finding out if I was awarded a stipend to do summer research.   I’m excited to hear back from all of the internship programs I applied to!  It could very well change my life!

When: Life certainly has been pushing me around lately.  My moods have been extremely up and down.  One night I’m deliriously giddy and the next i’m a sad puppy.   Life’s not fair.  I’ve been through a lot more crap than most people my age.  It has definitely made me a stronger and more mature person.   

Where:  I’ve really been trying to focus on this one lately; trying new things in hopes that it will connect me not only with new people, but to help me find myself again.   On the list of choices i’m regretting? Not making my health (mental and physical) a priority.  

Why: This is the one that’s been trippin me up.  I keep taking trips back to the past.  I need to finally accept that I’m not going to get the answers I want.   I can’t keep waiting.  It’s held me back for far too long.

There are so many things that I wish I could change and or control.   People.  My Eating Habits.  My Motivation.  My Attitude.   Granted, a lot of these things are actually under my control, but I tend to let them snowball until i’m overwhelmed.  This isn’t making any sense?

I guess what I want to say is that lately i’ve been “trying” and NOT doing.  “Trying” is a weak word, it allows for excuses.   I’ve been “trying” too hard for all the wrong reasons.  Half-assed attempts at eating healthy and exercising.   Cheating.  Cutting Corners.  Taking Breaks.  

I’ve also been getting “happy” for all the wrong reasons.  I’m finding myself acting like a giddy schoolgirl over boys … overanalyzing and obsessing over STUPID TRIVIAL things.  Dreaming up relationships where nothing exists.  WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH TO ME. If it’s meant to be it’ll find me … seize certain moments yes … don’t go out on a quest for them.

anyways….

I think i’m going to take a break from the scale and from counting calories obsessively.  I need to get back in tune with myself. 

I want to SEE the changes in my body, I don’t want the scale to tell me.   I want to FEEL progress in my eating habits by the way my body is running, not by some number telling me i’ve eaten too much.

exactly 1 month til my triathlon.  I have a lot of work to do.